2 posts tagged “life”

I really like where my life's going right now. I can't wait to be my on my own so that I can do all the things that I want to do. I want to do all of the things I enjoy. I want to study languages, read books, drink green tea, make out hardcore with Dii, play World of Warcraft, watch dramas, dance, play piano, try on designer clothes and be able to pay for it and, oh yeah, go to college.

I've been thinking that after UC Davis, I want to intern at a cosmetic research place before going straight to graduate school. On the side, I'd like to work at a make-up store like Sephora or Bare Minerals so I can better familiarize myself with the cosmetic industry. On top of that, I think it'd be helpful to get my cosmetic license so I can learn how to put make-up on people like a pro. Afterwards, I really don't know where I'd go to school. London seems really appealing as opposed to Farleigh Dickinson in New Jersey. I want to plan NOW because I was such an r-tard in high school. I want to be really on top of things when I go to college.

As dorky as it is to mention, my heart was racing and I had a fat smile on my face as I was typing up my college plans. I mean, I know I get fickle about some things (especially what I want to do when I'm older), but maybe this is really it. And unlike the other stuff, I know for sure that I can do it. I've got the brains for the science. That's what I like about the idea, honestly. I can't see myself just putting make-up on people...I want to create it myself. And also...oh my goodness I love skin. I love love love love skin. I want to take care of everyone's skin because skin is the most beautiful organ of the human body. It's your identity. It's what's keeping all of your insides from falling out. It tells a person's life history with its scars and cuts and such. It's everyone's own personal pallet, free to put whatever ink or minerals or crap on it. Skin is...amazing. I want to make people acknowledge and appreciate the skin they're in and help them to take care of it and keep it beautiful. Oh my goodness, I've said "beautiful" too many times already, but that's the adjective that comes to mind when I think about skin.

...

Oh my goodness, I'm such a freak. I just had a rant about skin. But hey,I think I've found my passion. Heh.

In conclusion of this useless post, I love life right now and I feel like writing about how I love it. I love where life's taking me, I'm in love in love in love with Dylan, I think I've found something that I'm going to stick to and...yeah. The end. Sorry this post was incredibly unintelligent sounding/annoying. Oh well. Deal.

It's interesting that we're studying depression in psychology right now. All of the symptoms we've been studying make me think that maybe I really could have been clinically depressed (from 7th grade until sophmore year of high school.) However, I refused to see a specialist when my parents noticed how bad my depression got freshman year. Honestly, I feel like my depression really distracted me from school during my freshman and sophmore years. I always felt a heavy feeling on my shoulders and just my whole body. It felt as if I was dragging around chains for three years. I know that it may not have seemed like it at school, but I was distracted and had things to do. When I came home, I just sat around and did nothing. I didn't feel like anything was right. It was probably because of the "not being comfortable in my own skin" thing. Stupid kids in middle school didn't accept the dorky CUTIE. Even my own friends were embarassed for me to be around when they went stupid "boy hunting" at the mall (or be seen with me anywhere period.) I put on better clothes, plucked my eyebrows, wore make-up and left all of my nerdiness behind in high school. Voila! I was likeable! But it did nothing for me and I was still depressed. As soon as I decided, "Fuck what others think!" and got back my nerdy self, I have been so much happier.

In psychology, we had a question we had to answer:

"Are [majorly] depressed people responsible for their actions? Why or why not?"

While Aki and I were thinking about answering the question, I just couldn't stop but think... Was I responsible for not studying as hard as I could have my first two years of high school? Could have I done better? Was it my fault or my depression? Can I blame my depression if I was never officialy diagnosed with it?

When I think these things, I just feel regret and weak. I feel weak because I couldn't push my depression aside and try better in school. Instead I moped around and cried all the time.

Le sigh...but what's done is done. I'm glad that I got over my depression. (I feel like a special someone really helped me, whether he knows it or not :] But that's something I'd rather keep between me and him and not explain on Vox :P) Like Box-chan told me once, I should concentrate more on positive things. So here it goes: I'm proud of myself for snapping out of that dreary-state and back to my regular nerdy self! :D I still have the rest of my life to make up for the three year where I did nothing. Ikimasu!