regret
It's interesting that we're studying depression in psychology right now. All of the symptoms we've been studying make me think that maybe I really could have been clinically depressed (from 7th grade until sophmore year of high school.) However, I refused to see a specialist when my parents noticed how bad my depression got freshman year. Honestly, I feel like my depression really distracted me from school during my freshman and sophmore years. I always felt a heavy feeling on my shoulders and just my whole body. It felt as if I was dragging around chains for three years. I know that it may not have seemed like it at school, but I was distracted and had things to do. When I came home, I just sat around and did nothing. I didn't feel like anything was right. It was probably because of the "not being comfortable in my own skin" thing. Stupid kids in middle school didn't accept the dorky CUTIE. Even my own friends were embarassed for me to be around when they went stupid "boy hunting" at the mall (or be seen with me anywhere period.) I put on better clothes, plucked my eyebrows, wore make-up and left all of my nerdiness behind in high school. Voila! I was likeable! But it did nothing for me and I was still depressed. As soon as I decided, "Fuck what others think!" and got back my nerdy self, I have been so much happier.
In psychology, we had a question we had to answer:
"Are [majorly] depressed people responsible for their actions? Why or why not?"
While Aki and I were thinking about answering the question, I just couldn't stop but think... Was I responsible for not studying as hard as I could have my first two years of high school? Could have I done better? Was it my fault or my depression? Can I blame my depression if I was never officialy diagnosed with it?
When I think these things, I just feel regret and weak. I feel weak because I couldn't push my depression aside and try better in school. Instead I moped around and cried all the time.
Le sigh...but what's done is done. I'm glad that I got over my depression. (I feel like a special someone really helped me, whether he knows it or not :] But that's something I'd rather keep between me and him and not explain on Vox :P) Like Box-chan told me once, I should concentrate more on positive things. So here it goes: I'm proud of myself for snapping out of that dreary-state and back to my regular nerdy self! :D I still have the rest of my life to make up for the three year where I did nothing. Ikimasu!
Comments
I think depressed people are responsible for their actions, because they're still people. I don't like the whole deal of mental illnesses, aside from ones with obvious physical connections like retardation. Just because some people can feel depressed at times, they begin to say, "I am depressed." Like it's a disability or something that they feel down more often than not, like they think they can get cutsies at Disney World. People just need to learn to accept themselves for all their different parts. Sadness isn't a flaw or a sickness, so it's not an excuse.
That's my 2 cents. :] I wish I was in psychology.